LONG DAY’S SCHREIBER INTO NIGHT (cont')

Title Card:

PHANTOMS

 EXT. PUBLIC THEATER. EVE.

 DENISE and AMELIA return from Starbucks and poise themselves near the front doors of the theater.  AMELIA has her ice-cold frappucino in one hand, and her poster in the other. 

 MED. C-U of the two leaning against the wall of the theater.  DENISE checks her watch. 

DENISE:

OK, the show should be ending right about now.

 AMELIA:

I’m so glad you agreed to do this.  This truly is progress.

 DENISE:

I’m still not sure about this…he has guests tonight, remember?

 AMELIA:

So what?!  I’m sure he’s used to it.  It’s not like we’re going to take up a huge chunk of time.  I just want to get him to autograph my poster, you can have him autograph your Stagebill, we’ll chat for a few brief…miraculous moments, and that’ll be it! 

They stand in silence for a bit.  DENISE looks as though she’s pumping herself up… 

DENISE:

Yeah!  You know what…yeah!

 AMELIA:

(confused) Yeah, what?

 DENISE:

Yeah, I’m gonna take action!  I’m gonna do it!  I’m gonna talk to him!  I’m an actress, dammit!  I should not have a communication problem! 

 AMELIA:

Go on, sista friend! 

Silence. Long pause. 

DENISE:

OK, I’m all pumped now, so we need to move this along… 

At that moment, people begin to stream out of the front doors of the Public.  General after-theater talk and commotion.

Meanwhile, DENISE begins breathing deeply, suddenly very nervous.  AMELIA, playing the boxing coach, begins rubbing DENISE’S shoulder and giving her a pep talk.

AMELIA:

Hey! Hey!  Don’t get jittery on me now!  He’s gonna be coming out soon, and you’re gonna be fabulous!  You’re gonna talk to him…you’re gonna get an autograph…I’ll get your picture with him… 

DENISE:

(turning to AMELIA) You brought a camera?!

 AMELIA:

(her secret’s out) Um…yeah.  Just in case…you know…I had the opportunity to take pictures…

 DENISE:

(backing away) OK, that’s it!  If you’re gonna turn this into a photo op…

 AMELIA:

(pulling her back toward the door) No.  No.  You’re not going to make your wanting to go my fault!  Come on!  You want to meet him, don’t you? 

DENISE nods nervously.  AMELIA leans her back against the building.  Both watch the crowd as it spews out of the theater – make the occasional comment about the passersby (i.e.: ‘Ooh! I like that outfit!’, ‘What was she thinking when she did her hair like that?’, ‘Helloooo, hottie!’, etc.)

Gradually, the crowd starts to thin out until eventually, no one is coming out of the theater.  Not only that, but no one else decided to wait around for an autograph…DENISE and AMELIA are totally alone on the sidewalk.  AMELIA takes a sip of her frappucino.  The cold of the drink and the cold of the air makes her shiver. 

DENISE:

OK, now what? 

AMELIA:

We wait.  It’s not like he’s gonna come out right after the show’s over!  He’s gotta change, talk to people… 

DENISE:

I know how shows work! 

AMELIA:

OK! 

Silence.  AMELIA searches for a topic of conversation… 

AMELIA:

Shakespeare at the Public.  My God.  That must be so awesome…I would love to be on this stage doing something like that…

DENISE:

Yeah, or like when they did On the Town here?  That would be fabulous!  Well, I don’t know if I’d want to do On the Town, but still… 

AMELIA:

Well, yeah.  On the Town is pretty cool – I remember when I played Madame Dilly in high school…that was funny! – but ugh!  I need to do some classical stuff!  Like when they did Macbeth here…

 DENISE:

(barely listening to the ‘classical-speak’ – smiling) Madame Dilly?!  Yes!  That’s perfect!  That part is so you!  I could totally see that!

 AMELIA:

I want to do Lady Macbeth type stuff!  Now she’s a character to play!  Or Katherine in Taming of the Shrew?  If I were going to do a Shakespearean comedy, that’s the part I’d want!

 DENISE:

What about the Nurse in Romeo and Juliet?

 AMELIA:

What about her?

 DENISE:

Would you want to play her?

 AMELIA:

Well, not particularly…I mean, I’d play her if I got the part, but it’s not like you dream of playing the Nurse in Romeo and Juliet.

 DENISE:

‘Cause that’s probably the kind of role you’d be best for…

 AMELIA:

Why do you say that?

 DENISE:

Because. (struggles to find the right words) You just exude more of that…character actress…thing.  That’s all.

 AMELIA:

(knitting her eyebrows) Maybe…

 Tense silence.  AMELIA is a bit upset at being considered “best” for the Nurse role.  DENISE regrets having said that…

DENISE:

Me?  I am Velma Kelly!

 AMELIA:

Chicago?

 DENISE:

Yeah! 

DENISE slowly goes into a very hammy version of “All That Jazz” as AMELIA looks on and laughs.  We’re totally alone – what harm can it do? DENISE gets pretty carried away with herself.  She walks herself just past the Public’s front doors. 

AMELIA walks slowly behind her.  Just as DENISE hits a particularly showy note with her back to the theater… 

AMELIA:

(joking) Mr. Schreiber!  It’s such a pleasure to meet you!

 DENISE whizzes around in embarrassment prepared to explain herself to the actor.  When she sees that he’s not really there, she begins smacking AMELIA on the shoulder.

 DENISE:

(with each smack – playfully) Don’t you ever…ever…EVER…do that…again…you evil…evil…person…!

 AMELIA:

(laughing) I’m sorry!  I couldn’t help myself!  

The beating stops.  Both are chuckling slightly now.  DENISE looks at the front door of the theater.

 DENISE:

I wish he would come out already.  The suspense is driving me crazy…

AMELIA:

It shouldn’t be too much longer… 

AMELIA positions herself near the revolving door of the entrance.  DENISE stands next to her.  Silence for a moment as DENISE looks for a pen in her purse, and AMELIA sips on her drink. 

AMELIA looks through the glass doors of the theater into the lobby, and her mouth drops.  She sees LIEV and a FEMALE FRIEND walking down the steps and toward the revolving door.

 AMELIA:

(frenzied whisper) Oh my God!  Here he comes!  You wanna talk to him?!

 DENISE:

(caught off guard) Oh my God!  Um…um…just pretend that we’re talking.  Let’s just be inconspicuous…

 AMELIA:

Oh yeah, we look real inconspicuous randomly standing in front of an empty theater talking on a freezing cold day, and me with an ice-cold frappucino in my hand…

 DENISE:

Shh!!

LIEV and his FEMALE FRIEND come out of the revolving door.  LIEV is dressed all in black, including a black ski hat pulled down over his ears.  His FRIEND is wearing a long, black coat.   

MED. C-U of DENISE and AMELIA as LIEV and FRIEND brush past them.  DENISE and AMELIA follow them with their eyes.  A bit of their conversation can be heard as they pass… 

FRIEND (o/s):

So, what are you up for tonight?

 LIEV (o/s):

I don’t know…I definitely want to do something.  Maybe I can call a couple of people up…

 Their voices trail off.  After a moment of staring after them, DENISE quickly turns to AMELIA… 

DENISE:

(whispering – upset) Well?!

AMELIA:

Well what?  Go talk to him!

DENISE:

Me?  What about you, Miss Colleague-of-the-Stars?!  I thought you had no fear!

AMELIA:

I don’t!  But you’re the one who needs to get over her celebrity-phobia!

DENISE:

(looking toward LIEV) Oh, fuck it.  He’s already too far away… 

Beat.

AMELIA:

(suddenly smiling wickedly) Well…we have to walk that way anyway, right? 

DENISE looks at AMELIA warily. 

DENISE:

Oooh no!  We are not walking that way now! 

DENISE starts walking in the opposite direction.  AMELIA pulls her back. 

AMELIA:

Come on!  We are not gonna walk totally out of the way just because you have a problem breathing the same air as a certain actor… 

They walk in the same direction as Liev, AMELIA gradually increasing with speed to get closer to him with DENISE reluctantly keeping up. 

DENISE:

Slow down! 

 AMELIA:

Just a little bit closer… 

LONG SHOT of LIEV and FRIEND from the back from AMELIA’S POV.  They are talking and laughing – suddenly, the FRIEND sees something in a store window that catches her interest.  They stop and turn to look at it. 

MED C-U of DENISE and AMELIA as they stop and run toward a parked car and stand by it, pretending to be casual.  LIEV and FRIEND walk away from whatever they were looking at. 

C-U of DENISE giving AMELIA a dirty look.  AMELIA looks back at her – let’s go!  DENISE sighs and follows AMELIA - reluctantly. 

We see DENISE and AMELIA about ten feet behind LIEV and FRIEND.  They are struggling with not being seen.  When LIEV has to stop to dig into his pocket for something, DENISE and AMELIA stop and find a ‘casual’ pose.  When FRIEND stops to check for something in her purse, DENISE and AMELIA find a different pose.  All the while, AMELIA is trying to get closer and closer to LIEV with DENISE periodically gesturing that they should go back.   

DENISE and AMELIA are closer to him now – about five feet away.  When LIEV and FRIEND cross the street, and the light turns green, AMELIA races behind them despite the oncoming traffic.  Horns blare and cars screech to a halt.  DENISE follows behind her, not wanting to be left behind.

AMELIA has a determined, almost crazy, look on her face…she will find out where he lives!  Or at least where he hangs out…DENISE looks tired and nervous. 

DENISE:

(frantic whisper)  OK, this is stupid!  We passed the turn to my apartment…let’s just turn around and go home! 

AMELIA:

(matching her whisper) Aren’t you the least bit curious?  Besides, if you weren’t such a wuss, we could actually just stop him and talk to him! 

During DENISE’S next line, LIEV and FRIEND turn a corner. 

DENISE:

And say what?! ‘Hello, Mr. Schreiber.  We just happened to be in the neighborhood stalking you…can we have your autograph?!

 DENISE and AMELIA automatically turn down the same corner looking at each other and quietly continuing their argument… 

MED C-U of a now-stopped LIEV and FRIEND.  DENISE and AMELIA are quickly coming up behind them.  As they are almost about to bump into LIEV and FRIEND, DENISE faces forward, gasps, and holds AMELIA back.  AMELIA also gasps.  They are a mere inch away from LIEV and FRIEND, who are facing forward and don’t realize that two women who are scared stiff are behind them.

DENISE and AMELIA just stand there, frozen, not knowing how to move without being noticed. 

FRIEND:

…so do you want to go see if he’s home?

 LIEV:

I don’t know.  I really want to go home to shower and change first. 

MED C-U of AMELIA and DENISE from behind.  As LIEV and FRIEND continue their conversation, DENISE and AMELIA look at each other non-verbally arguing about what they should do now. 

FRIEND:

Well why don’t we stop by there first, and then we’ll all come back home with you… 

 LIEV:

Aw!  I don’t wanna bring people over, my place is a mess… 

FRIEND:

Oh, but you don’t care if I see your mess. 

LIEV:

(joking) You haven’t been ‘people’ in ages. 

FRIEND:

Oh, thanks a lot!

 LIEV:

You know what I mean…

 FRIEND:

(sarcastic) Yeah, and I feel so special… 

By now, DENISE and AMELIA have silently agreed to slowly step back and try to walk in the opposite direction.  But as they simultaneously take a step back, so does LIEV who is on DENISE’S side. She turns and ducks behind him so as not to be visible to FRIEND.  FRIEND turns toward LIEV, and AMELIA does the same behind her.  As the conversation between LIEV and FRIEND continues, a series of duck-and-cover-close-calls ensues as DENISE and AMELIA struggle not to be seen, while LIEV and FRIEND take steps backwards and forwards as they discuss their evening plans.  LIEV and FRIEND are totally unaware that anyone is behind them. 

LIEV:

Come on!  It’ll be easier this way.  I’ll be fifteen minutes, tops.

 FRIEND:

(turning toward Liev’s apartment) OK, fine, we’ll do that.  But he’s not gonna want to have people over either, so decide where you want to go from there.

 LIEV:

Why don’t you decide?

FRIEND:

(turns toward Liev) Because it’s your night, Sweet Prince. 

CU of DENISE rolling her eyes behind LIEV. 

LIEV:  

(turning toward his apartment) Fine.  I’ll decide on the way, but let’s go.  I really need that shower. 

FRIEND:

Yes you do.

 LIEV:

Hey!  Keep that up, and I won’t let you come to my plays anymore. 

FRIEND:

(smiling) Gee, you promise?

  LIEV and FRIEND start to head forward, and AMELIA and DENISE start to relax, but almost immediately… 

FRIEND:

(whirling around) Oh shit! 

As she whirls around, DENISE and AMELIA duck and slowly creep behind them as LIEV turns. 

LIEV:

What?

 FRIEND:

I left your present in your dressing room.

 LIEV:

(smiles) Present? Aw, sweetie, you didn’t have to get me anything.

 FRIEND:

I wanted to!  But I left it in a bag by the doorway.  I was gonna give it to you then, but I decided to wait until we went out…do you think we could still get in there? 

We see DENISE and AMELIA crouched on the floor as the conversation progresses, both rolling their eyes in impatience – how did we end up HERE?! – Slowly, they begin inching their way to opposite ends of the sidewalk.  Unseen. 

LIEV (o/s):

Yeah. The cleaning people should still be putzing around back there.  But look, just so we don’t wasted time, I’ll go home and change, you go get the bag – just ask for Bill, he saw us together – and I’ll meet you at the front door of my building. 

FRIEND:

Sounds good.  Sorry about this. 

LIEV:

No problem!  You’re sweet for even getting me something.

 FRIEND:

See you later. 

LIEV:

Yeah. 

As they part and walk away in opposite directions, DENISE and AMELIA appear to be sitting on a stoop tying a shoe, and leaning on a car waiting for someone, respectively.  Each watches the pair leave.  Then… 

DENISE:

(crossing over to AMELIA to slap her shoulder) Are you crazy?!  I mean seriously!  Are you insane?!  What the hell is wrong with you?!

 AMELIA:

(standing) Oh, what?  I was just trying to…

 DENISE:

You were just trying to be a psycho! 

AMELIA:

Shh!  He’s not that far away yet!  He’ll hear you!

 DENISE:

Oh!  Now you care about him hearing us!  Ugh!  (she walks away in the opposite direction of Liev) You’re such an idiot!  

MED. CU of AMELIA processing DENISE’S insult.  She hurries after DENISE. 

AMELIA:

(catching up) Don’t call me an idiot, OK?!  I was trying to help you!!

 DENISE:

Oh whatever.  I’m never listening to you again…

AMELIA:

As if it weren’t the world’s biggest pain in the ass to get you to listen in the first place!

 DENISE:

Let’s just get to that comedy club.  I need a good laugh right about now.  And a drink. 

They walk out of view.

 CUT TO:

Title Card:

MIXED NUTS

INT. COMEDY CLUB. EVE.

We see AMELIA and DENISE at a cramped table amongst other cramped, crowded tables – “Where’s Waldo” should spring to mind.  The noise level is excruciating.

MED. C-U of AMELIA and DENISE at the table.  DENISE has made a makeshift ‘fortuneteller’ (think elementary school) from a club flyer.

AMELIA:

Will I become an internationally acclaimed classical actress? 

DENISE:

(over the noise) What?! 

AMELIA:

WILL I BE A FAMOUS CLASSICAL ACTRESS?! 

DENISE:

(referring to the Fortuneteller) Pick a number. 

AMELIA:

Three. 

DENISE:

(folding the Fortunteller) One, two, three.  Pick a color. 

AMELIA:

Orange. 

DENISE opens the “orange”  flap to read AMELIA’S “fortune.” 

DENISE:

(quoting the fortuneteller) “Not bloody likely!” 

AMELIA:

(after a brief, disappointed pause) What does a stupid, paper doohickey know anyway?! 

DENISE:

Oh, come on!  Don’t be a sore loser.  The Fortuneteller never lies… 

A group of six people try to cut through the crowded room forcing AMELIA to get up and move her chair.

DENISE:

(sitting) Ugh!  You wanted adventure?  It’ll be an adventure just surviving this place! 

AMELIA:

Oh, relax.  It was only five dollars. 

DENISE:

Yeah.  It’s not like we were doing anything else. 

AMELIA:

Well, we could’ve been talking to Liev if you hadn’t… 

DENISE:

Shut up. 

DENISE takes up the Fortuneteller again. 

DENISE:

Will Amelia be a well-respected, comedic character actress? Four. 

AMELIA rolls her eyes as DENISE folds the Fortuneteller four times. 

DENISE:

Red.  (quoting the fortune) “Absolutely.” 

AMELIA:

What a shocker. 

DENISE:

What’s wrong with that? 

AMELIA:

Nothing – except it’s not what I want to do. 

DENISE:

Why not?  You’re really good at that kind of thing. 

AMELIA:

You keep saying that – do you just hate my serious stuff, or what? 

DENISE:

No!  All I’m saying is that you shouldn’t shy away from your strengths. 

AMELIA:

(disappointed) My strengths… 

Pause.  DENISE figures out what to say. 

 DENISE:

You know what your problem is? 

AMELIA:

(sarcastic) Which one? 

DENISE:

You’re a theater snob. 

AMELIA:

What? 

DENISE:

You  - are a theater snob.  It’s all about Shakespeare and Chekhov and la-dee-da with you.  God forbid you crack a smile… 

AMELIA:

Are you kidding me?!  Some of the best comedic characters ever written are Shakespeare’s! 

DENISE:

(standing to let people behind her) Something’s not comedic if the jokes are so old no one gets them…..Damn!  This place is crowded! 

AMELIA looks almost personally offended.  She can’t believe the blasphemy!  She’s so shocked she can’t even respond.  DENISE sits again – sees AMELIA’S shock and chuckles.

 DENISE:

God, Amelia!  What’s that face about?  You look like I just talked about your mom! 

We see the EMCEE of the club run up on stage. 

EMCEE:

Hey!  How are we all feeling tonight?! 

Mild reaction from the audience. 

EMCEE:

What’s the matter?  You all brain dead?!  I said: How’s everybody feeling tonight?!! 

Bigger reaction from audience. 

EMCEE:

That’s better!  Geez, it’s like pulling teeth with you people! 

Audience laughter.  As the EMCEE continues his opening, we see LIEV, FRIEND, and a few other people including PARKER POSEY and CYNTHIA GARRETT walk into the club.  LIEV greets the owner at the door with a handshake and a hug.  The owner gestures toward a table that has been reserved on the other end of the room, then begins to lead the group to it through the maze of tables.  The audience laughs intermittently.  

We see DENISE notice first.  Then, with a gasp, she pokes AMELIA repeatedly. 

AMELIA:

What?! 

DENISE points with her eyes to LIEV and his group.  AMELIA’S eyes and mouth slowly widen as she notices. 

We see LIEV and Co. sitting down and ordering drinks. 

DENISE and AMELIA turn to each other and try to stifle a squeal. 

EMCEE:

….OK, OK – that’s enough outta my mouth.  We’ve got an incredible lineup tonight.  Are you guys and gals ready for some comedy?! 

The audience cheers, and DENISE and AMELIA take that time to squeal as loud as they want. 

EMCEE:

I said are you ready for some comedy?! 

Bigger cheers from the audience – and a bigger squeal from our heroines. 

EMCEE:

(noticing DENISE and AMELIA) Woah! These two here are really ready for some comedy! 

AMELIA and DENISE look down and away in embarrassment. 

EMCEE:

Anyway, our first comic is a guy that should be familiar to any regulars out there – he’s appeared on Def Comedy Jam, Jay Leno, and is a favorite at Caroline’s and this fine establishment.  Please welcome, Jay Cartwright! 

Applause.  JAY ascends the stage.

DENISE and AMELIA can’t stop staring at LIEV, whom we see laughing along with his friends at JAY’s jokes. 

 AMELIA:

(whispering) He’s so cute when he laughs! 

DENISE:

(smiling in agreement) Shh! 

DISSOLVE INTO:

The next comedian’s routine.  Laughter. 

We see LIEV excuse himself form his companions and maneuver himself around the tables to go to the bathroom.  AMELIA follows him with her eyes. 

AMELIA:

Oh my God!  He’s up! 

DENISE:

(looking back toward the bathroom area) Eek!  What if he passes by us on the way back?!  I’ll die… 

AMELIA:

Why wait for that? 

DENISE:

What? 

AMELIA:

Don’t you suddenly have the urge to go to the bathroom? 

DENISE:

Oh stop it!  What the hell are you going to do?  Join him in the stall?! 

AMELIA:

Are you coming or not? 

DENISE:

(can’t believe this!) No! 

AMELIA:

Suit yourself… 

AMELIA shoots up and squeezes past the tightly packed tables to the bathroom area.

CUT TO: 

INT.  REST ROOM AREA.  EVE. 

AMELIA is standing near the door to the women’s bathroom as if she’s waiting for her turn.  Her eyes are glued to the door of the men’s rest room.

She begins to pace a bit, wringing her hands and trying to think of what to say to him. 

Finally, we see LIEV exiting the men’s room – as begins to walk away, AMELIA quickly takes a step toward him.

AMELIA:

(gasping) Mister Sch… 

Before AMELIA can get any further, the women’s bathroom door swings open hitting her in the face, and knocking her to the floor.  The WOMAN exiting the bathroom tries to go to her aid.  AMELIA is holding her nose.

WOMAN:

Oh my God!  I’m so sorry!  Are you alright?! 

We see LIEV leaving the bathroom area – oblivious.

CUT TO: 

INT. COMEDY CLUB. EVE. 

AMELIA gets to her table and sits, holding a wad of paper towels to her nose.

DENISE:

What the hell happened to you? 

AMELIA rolls her eyes – doesn’t respond. 

DENISE:

I know what happened to you.  Your stalker mentality finally bit you in the butt… 

AMELIA:

Shut up. 

DENISE:

(giggling) Did he, like, kick your ass or what? 

AMELIA:

Never mind.  Just watch the fuckin’ show. 

DISSOLVE TO:

 Hours later.  The last comedian has finished.  Applause.

EMCEE:

(patting the comedian on the back) Thanks Chris.  (to audience) Well, goodnight everybody!  Hope to see all of you here again soon! 

The applause dies down.  The general bustle of people getting up and exiting the club.  Because it’s crowded, people are leaving very slowly. 

LIEV and Co. are exiting more quickly in single-file along the wall.  DENISE and AMELIA watch him. 

DENISE:

Oh God.  There he goes… 

AMELIA:

(gently pushing her) Try to push your way out! 

DENISE:

I can’t!  There’s too many people! 

AMELIA:

Just try! 

DENISE makes more of an effort with AMELIA urging behind her. 

MALE VOICE (o/s):

Hey!! Amelia, isn’t it? 

AMELIA turns, quickly taking the bloody paper towels from her nose, in response to the voice. 

We see MARK along with TWO OTHER WOMEN coming up behind AMELIA and DENISE.  They are both about the same age as AMELIA and DENISE.

 AMELIA:

(caught off guard) Mark….hey… 

MARK:

So what’d you two think of the show? 

AMELIA quickly looks toward LIEV, who is just about reaching the door, then back to MARK, who is slowing her down in her pursuit.

 AMELIA:

(distracted) Oh.  It was great.  Yeah.  

DENISE tugs on AMELIA’S sleeve, gesturing that LIEV is “getting away.” 

AMELIA:

(trying to follow her) Well, look…um…I’ve gotta… 

MARK grabs AMELIA’S hand. 

MARK:

Hey!  Don’t rush off!  I want you to meet two very good friends of mine…. 

We see LIEV and Co. get out the front door. 

WOMAN #1 (o/s):

(heavy Southern drawl) Good friends of his!  Oh listen to him!  We only just met this guy here tonight! 

AMELIA looks toward the front door, then back to MARK. 

AMELIA:

Oh, is that right… 

MARK:

You ladies doing anything tonight? 

AMELIA:

(stopping conversation in the bud) Look…can we finish this conversation outside? 

MARK:

Sure. 

AMELIA nods to DENISE, who begins pushing her way through the remaining crowd.  AMELIA follows right behind her.  MARK follows behind AMELIA, visibly puzzled by their hurry.

CUT TO: 

EXT.  COMEDY CLUB. EVE. 

DENISE and AMELIA run out the front door, wildly looking from side to side.  There is no sign of LIEV.  DENISE sighs in disappointment. 

 DENISE:

Dammit! 

AMELIA:

Careful.  You’re turning into me. 

DENISE:

You had to flirt with that guy didn’t you! 

AMELIA:

Oh, are you gonna start whining about that? 

DENISE:

Whine?!  You always get us into some kind of trouble…you ruin our chances to meet him…and I’m not supposed to “whine?” 

AMELIA:

I always get us into….?! 

MARK:

(coming out the front door) Hey ladies.  Where’s the fire? 

MARK is followed by the TWO WOMEN.  DENISE sighs in  frustration and rolls her eyes.

 AMELIA:

Sorry about that.  I’m a bit claustrophobic.  I had to get out of there. 

WOMAN #2:

(heavier Southern drawl) Claustrophobic?  Isn’t that when you need to steal things? 

DENISE:

That’s a kleptomaniac. 

WOMAN #2:

Cleptomaniac?  Isn’t that somebody who needs sex all the time? 

DENISE:

That’s a nymphomaniac. 

WOMAN #2:

Nymphomaniac? I thought that was one of them water fairies… 

DENISE is about to angrily respond when AMELIA puts her hand up to stop her. 

 AMELIA:

(whispered aside to DENISE) Education is futile. 

WOMAN #2:

(confused) Futile? Isn’t that when a piece of land is really good for plantin’? 

AMELIA looks at WOMAN #2 in disbelief.

 MARK:

(trying to change topics) So!  You two interested in having a couple of drinks or something?  (indicates the women with him) These two lovely ladies just arrived in New York last week, and they could use the guidance of a couple of natives like yourselves. 

WOMAN #1:

(extending hand to AMELIA) Hey, I’m Hannah! Nice to meet y’all. 

WOMAN #2:

(shaking AMELIA’S hand) And I’m Lindsay.  Pleasure! 

AMELIA:

Hi.  I’m Amelia.  And this is my friend, Denise. 

DENISE forces a half smile, and nods in acknowledgement. 

MARK:

(to HANNAH and LINDSAY) I sold these two their ticket tonight, too. 

LINDSAY:

You did?!  Well ain’t that a hoot! 

HANNAH:

Come on out with us!  The more the merrier.  We don’t know anybody in this city! 

DENISE:

Actually, I was kind of tired…. 

AMELIA:

(to DENISE) Oh, come on!  (to the rest) We’d love to go! Where’d you guys have in mind? 

MARK:

I don’t know.  Let’s just walk around…(putting his hands around LINDSAY’S waist) We’ll figure it out. 

LINDSAY smiles and puts her hands on his.  HANNAH steps away from them, rolling her eyes.  MARK and LINDSAY start walking away, HANNAH follows, leaving AMELIA and DENISE behind. 

DENISE:

Why are we doing this? 

AMELIA:

Oh why not?  It beats sitting in your apartment, doesn’t it? C’mon,!  Live a little! 

DENISE:

Fine.  But if they turn out to be escaped serial killers who murder us and throw our rotting carcasses in the gutter, it’s your fault. 

AMELIA sighs, dismissing DENISE’S comment, and they both walk out of view to catch up to HANNAH.

CUT TO:

 EXT.  A NYC STREET.  EVE. 

We see MARK and LINDSAY walking ahead of the others, apparently very chummy. 

MED C-U of DENISE, HANNAH, AND AMELIA walking together behind them. 

HANNAH:

Ugh!  This is so nauseating!  I love Lindsay, but sometimes she just drives me nuts!  Ever since we met Mark, she’s been going on about how he was hot for her, and how she was ‘totally gonna get with him tonight…’  And look at her… 

DENISE:

(pointedly glancing at AMELIA) That sounds vaguely familiar. 

AMELIA scowls at her. 

HANNAH:

She does this all the time.  And I’m left to go following after her…she doesn’t think about me. 

AMELIA:

(eyeing DENISE) Well, maybe she’s just trying to show you how to go after what you want instead of waiting in the background… 

 DENISE:

Well, maybe Hannah doesn’t feel like she needs to be “taught” anything.  Maybe she’s fine just the way she is. 

AMELIA:

Well maybe she should stop trying to stifle other people. 

HANNAH:

(concerned) You really think I’m stifling her? 

AMELIA:

(snapping out of it) No!  No…I’m just talking out of my ass.  Don’t listen to me… 

DENISE:

I don’t. 

AMELIA:

(ignoring her-to HANNAH) So, what brings you two to New York? 

HANNAH:

We’re both here interning for Vogue Magazine… 

DENISE:

That’s cool.  So you two are really into the fashion industry? Journalism…? 

HANNAH:

Actually, Lindsay wants to work for a magazine after college.  The only reason I applied for the internship was because she did….and hey, it’s a reason to get out of suburbia and try life in the big city, right? 

Suddenly, a squeal from LINDSAY up ahead.  She comes running back to AMELIA, DENISE, and HANNAH, and they all continue walking. 

LINDSAY:

You all have to hear this !  Mark is a poet, y’all! 

MARK:

(letting the women catch up to him) Aw, come on!  It was just a little diddy I was working on at home, they don’t need to hear it… 

LINDSAY:

(grabbing his arm and resting her head on his shoulder) Please!  I’d really like to hear it again…. 

MARK:

(rubbing noses with her) OK, but only because you’re so cute.

HANNAH rolls her eyes.  The group stops walking.  MARK, glad for the full attention of the ladies, ceremoniously clears his throat.  He directs the poem to LINDSAY. 

MARK:

“Now let us sport us while we may, and now, like amorous birds of prey, rather at once our time devour than languish in his slow-chapt power.  Let us roll all our strength into one ball, and tear our pleasures with rough strife through the iron gates of life: thus, though we cannot make our sun stand still, yet we will make him run.” 

LINDSAY:

(squealing and clapping her hands) Wasn’t that beautiful?! 

We see HANNAH, AMELIA, and DENISE staring at him with their mouths wide open in disbelief. 

HANNAH:

I don’t believe you…. 

MARK:

(nervous now that he sees he hasn’t fooled the rest) What? (to LINDSAY) Didn’t you mention that you had to go to the bathroom?  Let’s try to find you one, huh? 

MARK whisks LINDSAY away and they head into a nearby restaurant.  The other women wait outside. 

HANNAH:

I can’t believe he would so blatantly lie like that!  As if we’re supposed to believe that that poem was his! 

DENISE:

Why don’t you talk to her?  Don’t let her get sucked in by that loser! 

HANNAH:

She won’t believe me.  She’ll just say that I’m trying to sabotage her love life…do you know who did write that poem? 

DENISE:

That’s from this poem called  “To His Coy Mistress” by Andrew Marvel. 

HANNAH:

Maybe I can find it somewhere and show it to her.  This way I’ll have proof that it wasn’t his.  Why have I never heard of him before? 

DENISE:

Well, the only reason I know about him, was because I had to read him for a class.  He was this seventeenth century Elizabethan metaphysical poet. 

HANNAH:

I didn’t know a guy like Mark was capable of reading anything, let alone a seventeenth century Elizabethan metaphysical poet. 

AMELIA giggles. 

DENISE:

What? 

AMELIA:

Well, anyone can copy some seventeenth century Elizabethan metaphysical poet….you know, from a book. 

DENISE giggles. 

HANNAH:

What? 

DENISE:

The Daytrippers. 

HANNAH:

The what? 

DENISE:

(shaking her head – you wouldn’t understand) Nothing. 

LINDSAY and MARK come out of the restaurant. LINDSAY is upset. 

LINDSAY:

Ugh!  This city is so mean! 

HANNAH:

What’s wrong? 

LINDSAY:

(mimicking) Only customers are allowed to use the bathroom…Fine! So I’ll take a leak all over your floor! 

MARK:

Hey, I think we passed a bar back around that corner.  Wanna check it out?  I’m sure they have a bathroom…(he puts his arm around LINDSAY) 

LINDSAY:

Thank you.  You’re so thoughtful. 

As MARK leads LINDSAY toward the corner, he turns and winks at the other women before proceeding away.

HANNAH:

That guy is gonna make me so nauseous.

A Woman’s Voice is heard calling to someone – “Come on!  We have a million more bars to hit!  Get in the car!”  HANNAH looks toward the voice. 

HANNAH:

Hey, that guy looks like that Cotton Weary guy from “Scream 2”…. 

AMELIA and DENISE jerk their heads up to look. 

Sure enough, LIEV is getting into a black town car with his drunken lady friends.  AMELIA and DENISE watch in amazement as the car drives by.  A cloud of anger forms over AMELIA’S face. 

AMELIA:

It’s like God is trying to shove it in my face!!! 

AMELIA angrily marches herself to the bar leaving the others behind. 

HANNAH:

What’s wrong with her? 

DENISE:

(whispering) It’s that time of the month. 

HANNAH:

Oh. 

CUT TO:

INT.  BZW BAR.  EVE. 

This bar defines “hole in the wall.”  There is no one in the place save the toothless, balding bartender, FRANK, a 70-year-old , dirty-looking aging hippie named VERN, and a GUITAR GUY who is sitting in a corner of the bar strumming a guitar and looking remarkably like Jerry Garcia. 

The gang enters all together.  LINDSAY races in and heads toward the back of the bar to the bathroom.  FRANK looks up from a newspaper, shocked that a group of that size has walked in. 

 FRANK:

Well, hello there folks!  What can I get for you? 

MARK:

(to the women) What will you ladies have? 

HANNAH:

I’ll have a Corona. 

DENISE:

Rolling Rock. 

AMELIA:

Yeah, that sounds good.  Rolling Rock. 

MARK:

(to FRANK) You heard the ladies!  Two Rolling Rocks and a Corona.  And let me have two pints of Guinness. 

FRANK:

Coming right up. 

As FRANK goes about getting the beers, the group sits at the bar.  LINDSAY comes back from the bathroom sighing a huge sigh of relief – instead of sitting at a stool like the rest, she stands between MARK’S legs, leans her back against him, and he wraps his arms around her. 

MARK:

(to LINDSAY) I got you a Guinness, sweetie. 

LINDSAY:

(to the others) How thoughtful is he?! 

LINDSAY kisses MARK on the mouth. 

HANNAH:

(rolling her eyes) This is going to be a long evening! 

FRANK returns and doles out the beers.  As soon as she receives hers, HANNAH takes a long swig.

 FRANK:

All the beers are five.  Except for the Guinnesses – they’re six. 

DENISE and AMELIA take theirs and look to MARK.  MARK reaches into his wallet, pulls out six dollars and hands it to FRANK.  The women wait a moment, then reluctantly pull out their own money and pay FRANK. 

DENISE:

(whispering to AMELIA – mimicking) What’ll you ladies have? What an idiot! 

AMELIA:

I know! 

VERN approaches the bar on AMELIA’S side. 

VERN:

(to FRANK – very drunk) Hey!  How ‘bout another one ‘a my usual! 

FRANK:

(slightly annoyed) Sure, Vern. 

VERN:

(extending his hand to AMELIA) The name’s Vern.  What’s your name, pretty lady? 

AMELIA:

(amused – shakes his hand) Amelia. 

VERN:

And who are your friends? 

AMELIA allows the girls to introduce themselves. 

DENISE:

Denise. 

HANNAH:

(prying her mouth from the Corona bottle) Hannah. 

We see that MARK and LINDSAY are totally absorbed in making out, and don’t even realize that anyone is looking at them. 

FRANK:

Well, they’re having a good time… 

VERN:

(to the women) It’s not too often we get such a big group of young people in here.  You all students or somethin? 

DENISE:

I take it you’re a regular. 

VERN:

Been coming here every night since nineteen seventy-four!  Frank needs me. 

FRANK:

(mumbling) Like a hole in the head…

VERN:

So you all look like you’re in college. 

AMELIA:

Yep.  (referring to herself and DENISE) We’re seniors at NYU. 

VERN:

NYU! Well…!  What are you two studying over at NYU. 

DENISE and AMELIA:

Drama. 

VERN:

Ah!  You two are actresses, are you? 

DENISE:

Actually, I sing, too. 

VERN:

So!  We’ve got a Julie Andrews on our hands! 

HANNAH looks at MARK and LINDSAY – they’re still going at it hot and heavy on the stool – and signals to FRANK to give her another beer. 

VERN:

(to AMELIA and DENISE) Well then you two are lucky you ran into me!  I work for this theater… 

VERN takes a swig of his drink.  FRANK rolls his eyes. 

VERN:

Actually, I own this theater company downtown called , The Verno Project. 

AMELIA:

Really?

VERN:

Oh yeah!  (leaning  in as if to tell a secret) I actually have a very long history with the performing arts! 

AMELIA:

Like what? 

VERN:

Well, for starters, I started a certain well-known music festival in the late sixties… 

DENISE:

(disbelieving)  Woodstock?  You founded Woodstock? 

FRANK:

Oh, don’t get him started…! 

VERN:

It all started when a couple of friends and I were sitting around  in my backyard – I said, ‘Wouldn’t it be cool if we could set up a huge outdoor concert’… 

FRANK and the women roll their eyes.  MARK and LINDSAY are oblivious.

DISSOLVE TO:

 Later.

MARK and LINDSAY have moved to the couch behind the barstools to fool around.  HANNAH is sitting on the bar drinking herself into a stupor next to a passed out VERN.  DENISE and AMELIA are sitting at the bar drinking and laughing at something FRANK just said. 

C-U of DENISE’S FACE.  The sound of a door opening and closing.  Then… 

LIEV (o/s):

Hey, Frank!  How are you doin’ this evening? 

DENISE’S eyes open wide. 

FRANK (o/s):

Hey, Mr. Golden Globe!  I didn’t think you’d be showin’ up here again… 

LIEV (o/s):

Always, Frank, always. 

We see LIEV sitting at the bar, and AMELIA gets up and stands a few feet from him with her mouth open in shock trying to get words out.

FRANK brings LIEV a beer.  LIEV thanks him and begins to drink.  After looking up from his beer a few times, he can’t help but notice AMELIA standing there staring. 

LIEV:

Hello. 

AMELIA steps toward him with words stopped in her throat.  Finally, she bursts: 

AMELIA:

Can I be the mother of your children?!  I would make such a good mommy, I swear to God!

DENISE runs over and pulls AMELIA away from LIEV, sitting her at the other end of the bar with VERN. 

DENISE:

(as she leads AMELIA) I don’t believe you!  I cannot believe you!  You sit over here and calm down! 

DENISE returns to LIEV, embarrassed, but happy that she has a reason to talk to him. 

DENISE:

I’m so sorry!  Amelia has no control over her mouth when she’s had one too many. 

LIEV:

(smiling)  That’s OK.  I’ve actually had sober fans come up to me and say worse…

DENISE chuckles.

LIEV:

So that’s Amelia…and you are… 

DENISE:

Denise.  It’s really great to meet you Li…Mr. Schreiber.  We’re both huge fans of yours! 

LIEV:

You had it right the first time.  Liev is fine.  Why don’t you have a seat… 

DENISE sits.  LIEV signals FRANK for one more beer for her.  FRANK puts it in front of DENISE. 

DENISE:

Isn’t this closing night?  I figured there’d be some kind of a cast party going on tonight. 

LIEV:

Actually, the party’s tomorrow.  I used to come here all the time, and tonight, I just wanted to take it easy…come to an old familiar place.  

DENISE:

(a little too enthusiastically) I’m glad you did! 

MED. C-U of LIEV - smiling at how starstruck she is. 

LIEV:

Well, that makes two of us! 

MED. C-U of DENISE, slightly embarrassed, but happy.

VERN (o/s):

Hey, Liev! Maybe you can get Julie Andrews over there to sing for us… 

LIEV:

(waving to VERN) Hey, Vern!  How’re you doing?

(to DENISE) He’s such a funny guy…So, you sing? 

DENISE bows her head in embarrassment. 

DENISE:

Ugh!  I don’t believe this….yeah, I sing.  I act. (tossing her hair with mock grandeur) I do it all… 

LIEV stands and leads DENISE up by the arm. 

LIEV:

Well then, come on!  This place could use a fresh voice - that guitarist over there has been trying to be Jerry Garcia for far too long! 

DENISE:

Oh, God…I don’t know…